


Blood On My Hands

by ArcGBurton



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:15:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22890859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcGBurton/pseuds/ArcGBurton
Summary: Shepard is dealing with her feelings after having to shoot kaidan in ME3.
Relationships: Female Shepard/Garrus Vakarian
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	Blood On My Hands

**Author's Note:**

> Fair warning, shepard does get drunk and have some slight issues with glass. She gets hurt. She doesn't physical cut herself but she does welcome the pain. Don't risk it if you aren't in the right head space please. I love you all and thank you so much for supporting my crazy and weird writings. Be safe dears.

“Hold it together,” Shepard told herself under her breath as she paced back towards the Normandy. Just had to make it to the ship and into the elevator, that was it. Then she could be alone, then she could let everything out. Her crew didn’t need to know how much this tore her up inside. She could manage it, she always did. 

Once on the ship, she didn’t talk to anyone just kept walking until she was standing by the navigation map. Glancing over her shoulder she met a few stares from the crew before hitting the button that would take her up to her room. Once inside, she sank against the wall of the elevator. Letting out a few jagged breaths, “Kaidan why…” she whispered before throwing a blow at the elevator doors, but they opened at the same time. Stumbling forward her hands landed on her door to stabilize herself. Another deep breath as she keyed in her lock code for the door, slipping inside. She didn’t bother turning on the lights, the low glow emanating from her fish tanks was enough for her to see. 

She promptly reached under her bed and pulled out a bottle of wine. Similar to the one she had given Kaidan when she saw him in the hospital. As she popped it open the tears darted down her cheeks. She didn’t bother with a glass, taking a long-drawn swig. “This one is for you Kaidan. I hope Ashley is giving you h- hell for disobeying me.” She chokes out as she pours a little wine out onto the floor not caring anymore. 

She takes a seat at the end of the bed. Flashes of Kaidan and all there adventures swelling her head. Giving Ashley’s life for his, saving his ass every single time. Him standing up to her instead of helping her fight the collectors, now that took guts. The death mission on Mars, the way his lifeless body looked lying on the Citadel floor… and by this time the bottle of wine was emptied. Tears stained her cheeks as she reached for a bottle of whiskey, she needed to forget about all this for a while, needed to not feel anything for a while.

Swiftly popping the top and chugging a third of the bottle. Gritting her teeth at the burn, but she knew it was nothing like Kaidan felt when he was shot. And that blood was on her hands, only hers, she pulled the trigger. She gazed down at the bottle after another tall drink and almost dropped it. Her hands still stained red from where she held him in his dying moments. Immediately she ran to the tiny sink and rinsed it with scolding water. Not that she felt it anymore. Scrubbing her hands roughly, trying to make the blood wash off. If it had she didn’t know, the longer she stared at her hands the more blood seemed to rise from her palms. 

She cried out slamming her hands into the mirror, cracking it, shards of glass now embedded in her skin. Glimpsing up she caught a view of herself, all the scars from the last four years, from Reapers, Collectors, and Cerebus. But none of them made her as sick as the mental one of shooting her best friend. 

She couldn’t take it, she’d rather die right now than lose another friend. Screeching at the mirror calling she called herself horrible things. “MURDERER…” Was the one that hit her the hardest. She made her way back out to the bottle of whiskey, finishing it off before launching it against the wall. And then another. Some weren’t even empty, mostly half full. She cursed out the gods, cursed out herself and Kaidan. How could he not trust her? Why did he not stand down? And then she just screamed at the top of her lungs. She didn’t know what else to do. Tears obscured her vision as she slipped on the booze covering the floor, landing on her hands and knees into the alcohol and glass. 

The renowned Shepard was on her hands and knees wailing. Begging for Kaidan to come back, begging for another chance to make it right. Just then her room door opened and someone ran in calling her name. She couldn’t tell who it was she picked up a sizable chunk of a bottle and hurled it at the wall screaming again.

Only when she felt two sturdy arms on her did she stop, but through her tear-soaked vision, she swore she saw Kaidan… She hammered her fists into his chest, crying out. “ Why’d you make me choose!! Why’d you make me shoot you!! Kaidan!… Y-” she sobbed as the firm arms wrapped around her and held her close. “You were my best friend…” 

Only then did then person speak with a gentle voice, “Sheppard, you can’t beat yourself up over this… It’s not right.” He hummed softly to her, his hand coming up to hold her head into his chest. Only then did she realize who it was. Her fists clenched as she winced against the pain.   
“Garrus…” she whispered before collapsing against him sobbing. His strong arms kept her up before easily lifting her and setting her on the end of the bed. He doesn’t say another word for a long time, just stroking her back and holding her close to him.

“Shepard… you can’t go on like this.” He told her before brushing some glass out of her hair. “Kaidan wouldn’t want it. He made his choice and that’s something you cannot change. But he would not want this, you know that.” Garrus’s voice was light as he rested his chin on top of her head, keeping her against his chest. She eased in a little when she felt his mandibles twitch in her hair, it was always reassuring in his arms. 

But all she could think about again was Kadian’s cold unresponsive body laying on the floor and the gun in her hand still smoking from the shot. She’s slowing slipping back into a dark place as he speaks again. “I know that look.” He glanced down at her, the worry obvious on her face. “Don’t you dare blame yourself, you did what you had to, you saved the Citadel again. You’re going to save the Galaxy again. Kaidan would be damn proud and you know it.” 

With that, he raises her chin tenderly, finally seeing the stress and darks bags under her eyes. The weight of the last four years weighted on her massively at this moment and her glistening tears only made it more obvious. He took a tissue from the nightstand and wiped away her tears considerately. She closed her eyes leaning into the touch. “And I’m proud of you. I know it hurts like hell. He was our friend. But it would hurt worst if Udina had gotten everyone killed. If we didn’t have the chance to fight again and save the Galaxy…” Taking a long pause before speaking again, "for Kaidan’s sake.“ His voice trembles a little but she knows he’s trying to be strong for her. She wraps her bleeding hand around his and nods, still not opening her eyes. 

"Now,” he stated before taking her hands in his. “Let me get you cleaned up.” He gets up gradually, watching her as he moves to get the first aid kit. It took him a good minute to find it in her small bathroom. But once it was in hand, he sat back beside her. Carefully pouring cleaning alcohol on her hands. She doesn’t make a sound or move, which worries him a little but he doesn’t address it. Gently he pulls the glass out of her skin with his claws before wrapping bandages around her hands. “Now for your knees.” He whispered as he cut the pants legs up to her knees. She didn’t fight. She could get new pants.

Kneeling in front of her he worked delicately on her knees and calves. Getting every piece of glass out before wrapping her up. He lingered there a moment before looking up at her. “You’re all fixed up. Now let’s try to stay away from the glass. Okay?” He smiled tenderly at her and she couldn’t help but smile back. 

“Ya’ know.” She stated as her hands gently went to either side of his face, thumb stroking his mandibles. “You’re the only thing I have left in this fucked up Galaxy. You are not allowed to leave.” She leaned in and placed her forehead against his. Feeling his mandibles twitch under her touch made her smile a little more. 

“Shepard,” he whispered before tilting his head up a little looking over her face. She finally opened her eyes and met his gaze. They spoke on another level, their eyes speaking without their mouths even moving. He slipped one hand around her waist and the other under a thigh as he hoisted her back onto her bed, his weight comfortably on top of hers. “I’d never disobey an order…” his voice was deeper now and abundant with lust, while his eyes were so overflowing with love. She dragged him in before he could say another word, kissing him intensely. 

It didn’t last as long as she would have liked, he pulled away after a few moments. Pulling her tightly against him, his chin resting on top of her head. “You should get some rest. Anderson is expecting a call in the morning.” His voice is soothing and it takes everything in her not to fall asleep then.   
“I- I don’t know if I can…” she started before his hand caressed her cheek. Drawing her attention up to him. He offers a smile, placing a soft kiss on her forehead. “I’m not going anywhere. If you have a bad dream I’ll wake you. You’re not alone, that I promise.” He spoke and watched her eyes start to glisten with tears again. He went to speak but she stopped him. 

“Thank you, you don’t know how good it is to hear that outside of a fight.” A small smile was on her lips before she nuzzled her cheek against his chest and closed her eyes. Falling asleep in no time thanks to him. He stroked her hair, keeping her close. It was a good thing Turians didn’t need much sleep. But he’d be damned if he let anything stop him from protecting her. She was his whole Galaxy, she just hadn’t realized it yet.


End file.
